Calm down, calm down
There isn’t a group of group of people on this earth who don’t have the potential for conflict, the nature of the ego is separation, difference and competition so when egos interact, conflict (however subtle) is at least possible – if we were more open to our deeper feelings we’d likely see it as probable rather than possible.
So the question isn’t so much how do we avoid conflict as it is how do we deal with it?
How do we deal with it in a way that puts it to bed for good and doesn’t have a detrimental effect of those potentially affected by it?
The first part of the answer to that question is that we don’t ignore it, things we don’t like don’t go away just because we pretend they’re not there, in fact they tend to get worse, insisting that we address them. There’s very little mileage in relying on hope in this regard. There’s also not much to be said for denial. When there is conflict brewing, our best bet is to deal with it sooner rather than later – before the resentments pile up and positions become (even more) entrenched.
The second part of the answer is to apply some understanding of what is really going on at a deeper level in any conflict, whether we’re on one side of a conflict or we’re on the outside (and so with some responsibility to support those involved to come to resolution). Most conflict is the result of failures in communication and understanding. Why would someone be behaving in that way? What must they be feeling to be behaving like that? What are they really trying to achieve by behaving like that? We should answer those questions on an emotional level, by which I mean what feelings are they trying to achieve?
By applying this understanding we empower ourselves to respond to the drivers of the behaviour rather than reacting to the behaviour itself – this is a great step forward to resolving any conflict.
The third part of the answer is to recognise that there is a fundamental principle at work in any conflict which is that everyone involved is feeling the same thing at the deepest level. This isn’t just an idea, it is a working principle – its value lies in that it directly addresses two elements underlying any conflict. The first is that we are different, if we aren’t different how could we be in conflict in the first place? But if the drivers of our behaviour are the same, our fundamental emotional experience, then there is a recognition that we’re not so different after all.
The second is judgement, it’s impossible to be in conflict without judgement. But to understand that someone acts badly because they feel bad and to respond to the driver, the feeling, transcends judgement – this automatically increases our level of joining and connection – which equally automatically defuses the conflict.
Responding to the underlying feelings is not taking a “there there never mind, you have a tantrum if you want to” approach, it simply means that our motivation is more to support and encourage someone out of their unhelpful behaviours through our compassion for their experience, than to coerce or use some kind of domination to achieve the change necessary. The reason this is important is that it is more effective.
It is also more likely to provide a long term solution, which leads neatly to another motivation for facing and resolving conflict, one that I have personal experience of. This motivation is that those people with whom we have the greatest struggles have the potential to become our greatest allies. If you’ve always taken the napalm route to conflict resolution you’ll probably scoff at this idea. If you’ve ever taken the route I describe above, or one like it, you’ll know the truth of it.
